Breakups and Weird Feelings

Happy April to all my buddies!

My recent breakup has had me ruminating on the endings of relationships past; noticing the differences between the same emotions back then and now, the immeasurable changes between 17 and 25, and the mirrored unmoving similarities between them.

Relationships being an all encompassing term- connections based on romantic, platonic, familial love. Even between strangers there can be found a bit of love, in the exchange of a shared wide-eyed gaze after a funny moment, in the kindness in quick compliments in passing by.

What's that Siken quote? Someone always has to leave first. I can't say that I always leave when the time comes, but I leave when I realize I've held on too tight. When I have left myself no other choice. I try to hold a crumbling thing as if I could mold it back together, as if time will pass and things will be better. This is my fault; I only walk away when it's too late.

But at least I walk away.

I often find myself ruminating over lost loves; it took me almost a decade to get over my high school friendship breakup, years to forget my college situationship after we stopped talking. Every loss leaves its mark on me, and I wonder if I am doomed to carry these heartbreaks with me forever.

When I finally broke up with my ex, it was far past time to do so. There was no love left in that house, it had burned down a long time ago. But I wandered the foundation like a ghost, seeing walls where there was only smoke and ash. Sometimes I think I never loved him. Sometimes I think I was just fell into a relationship and never had the nerve to leave. I used to tell my friends that I could see myself becoming complacent in my life. I knew I wasn't happy, but I also knew I could pretend so well that I'd eventually trick myself. I saw myself living out an entire life with this person, never fulfilled but at least loved. I think I just liked being loved.

Lately, I've been trying to pay more attention to the love found around me. I am loved. I have amazing friends that care about me. I meet wonderful strangers who are full of kindness. I'm talking to my sister again.

Perhaps I just needed to be brave to remember what I really want.